what would break my heart the most


The anxiousness, the what-ifs, the what-if-nots, all of that was sitting in my mind on the long 24 hour flight to Seoul. I remember checking our flight journey multiple times and being relieved when the status read 8 hours to go, then 6 hours to go, and at 3 I started feeling the insecurities creep in. What if I couldn’t figure out transportation to the place I was staying before they closed, where would I stay? What if I came across as a rude, entitled American because I just don’t know any better, I knew I should have read up more on the culture before coming all this way. What if my room had bugs in it, what if Air Canada lost my luggage, what if the trip is boring, what if….. Those were the anxious thoughts crossing my mind but I knew they were a mask for what was bigger, for what I knew would break my heart the most. Here’s what I was really anxious about, here’s what would break my heart the most…. if I returned to San Diego having learned nothing about my past, and having met no one from my past….. if I returned to San Diego feeling disenchanted at all with Seoul, its people, its culture, and most of all my adoption agency, Eastern Social Welfare. I just don’t want to be disappointed. This is the trip of a lifetime for me and a pivotal moment in my journey and I’m afraid I’ll discover things that will ruin how I see this journey through my rose-colored glasses. The reason I founded One Love Movement, my “why” in life, my purpose to fulfill, my calling to answer - my entire story and all I’ve worked towards has brought me to this moment so for me, my heart is riding on this trip.

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